Alone

I am alone. I am alone...

I feel like being pulled down into an abyss of depression; I can feel it draining me, hauling me deeper and deeper into the darkness. It is distorting my vision, triggering my emotions, changing my perception and isolating me from the world. Its hold on me is like claws, digging deeper into my soul. It becomes an addiction, opium to my dying soul.

When the crowd departs, when I am alone, I do not feel sad ,but I feel the quite opposite. I find joy as I walk, shop, watch movies, dine alone or spend my eternity alone. But I am now alarmed for I fear I am once more on the brink of depression. I cannot fathom why. Why? To me, it seems that being alone frees me; no can defy me, somehow I have control over my universe. It saves my heart from being crushed from others' judgment, from their own versions of me. Others ask me why I love it, and I simply cannot answer. For me it is far more complex, that feeling I get when I am alone could not be contained in a paragraph not even the whole set of the Harry Potter books. That's the problem; I could not pin point why I am so engrossed with such stupidity. Maybe its because I believe that being alone is like being in love. You yearn for it; it gives you jitters and every moment is nostalgic. When I am alone, everything around me changes. My imagination reaches at its peak, ideas flood my mind, as intense as how rapids are in Rio.I could literally explode with too much imagination. It also brings me to a world where I would want to live in. No, it creates a world well suited for me. 

Everything is just a sugar-coated fantasy, a delusion, a fallacy I need to snap out of. I need to reconnect, charge myself with optimism. I need to regain my fire, my spark, my vigor, my life. I need to live life now and tear the walls that is hindering me. It is my time to break loose, to throw away my shackles, to face the reality and to be logical. Being alone might be a bliss but when it encompasses our thought it is a wolf in a sheep's clothing, a Casanova. We might find it amusing but little did I know that the longer we fiddle with it's strings, we unconsciously gets entangled. It serenades us with its melodious voice but is actually filling our minds with toxic realizations and generalizations in life.

I need to change. I want to change, to break free.

Sometimes things may appear in a cupcake topped with rainbow sprinkles but what actually is inside is a cobra's venom , waiting for us to take one little bite. It becomes addictive, destroying our capability to think. It severs relationships, it steals our life from us. Loneliness when outdone is dangerous, we become unpredictable and impulsive and worse suicidal. I want to change. Help me change. Pull me out of the net; save me from its cruel lies. Make me snap out of it, make me a better person. It's seems so easy but so hard... Pull me out of the net... Please...